Well I suppose I understand why Chen Xiao Zheng and his mom would be so hard on themselves now 😦 Sad stories, sad stories. It’s feeling pretty angsty. On a happier note, I’m really excited to get to the next part of their lives now that their youth is over.
The below dialogue is continuing from the last chapter~ It’s CXZ’s mom in case you guys forgot
Your dad’s work was very smooth, he had two thousand people in the state companies, and he wasn’t even thirty years old yet. Among all the technicians at the factory he was chosen as the chief engineer. At that time, none of the people had left for the holidays from. And another came, walking into the hospital, who wouldn’t face it with a smile? It was that I had been unhappy, and I couldn’t keep all the good things. You were only four months old, your dad had gone to the workplace and an accident occurred, and he never returned.
Someone had died, died on the workplace. There was a big memorial service, wreaths hung everywhere at the funeral, but when the memorial ended, the people scattered, the tea got cold, and the little bit of pension was put into my hands. You weren’t a month yet when you had a great illness, and then nothing was left. That was also thrown away. The harder thing was that I was a woman, all alone bringing up a child. When you were little, your body was also not good. My work circumstances kept changing and changing. My work position got lower and lower, I had less and less time to take care of you. I went to go find the director, the union president, and only begged them that I could change to a job that wouldn’t require changing three shifts in the department. They used to be good brothers with your dad. At that time, they could only look at me, with a conflicted expression and tell me of the factory’s difficulties. They would want me to be more dedicated, and bring up less requests. As a widow, I only wanted to take care of my child that hadn’t gotten into kindergarten yet, and this kind of request was even seen as too much?
When you were in kindergarten, you suddenly got a high fever during the night time. The factory clinics couldn’t cure it. I had to carry you about three kilometers to reach the hospital to waive the hospital living fees. I don’t know how many relatives’ doors I knocked on. They only said, I should find a guy. Why was I continuing on like this? A Zheng, I made a promise in front of your father’s soul that I would keep him in my heart forever. I wouldn’t find another guy. I even shared my memories with my son. The good part was that you lived up to your expectations. When you got into university, all the money in the house, and the money I had gotten from an advance in wages still weren’t enough for your tuition. I asked your second uncle if I could borrow 500 dollars, and he was willing to give us hand. But after he gave us the money, he carried away the TV in our house. How much money was a TV worth? He had only calculated precisely at the time when we didn’t know when we could pay it back. Our losses accumulated…..you know about these right? The moment I speak of her again, you feel annoyed, but this is life. A Zheng, I’m saying these things, only to tell you that humbleness has no happiness.”
Every memory she spoke of, every detail, Chen Xiao Zheng had remembered in his heart. He couldn’t forget the bitterness he had gone through when he was young. This made him more willing to hug the small piece of happiness he had in his hands right now. He focused on making his voice calm, “All of these I remember, mom, but I don’t think that I must go abroad because I am lowly. Believe me, after I graduate, our lives will definitely get better and better. You will also have a day when you have good fortune.”
His mom looked back at him, her eyes’ lines without tears. A Zheng remembered when he was young, his mom would always cry behind his back. But right now, she didn’t cry, “I can’t believe you. Before, you were always my pride, understanding everything, letting others relax. But now, for a girl, you can actually give up on such a great opportunity. You should know, your household doesn’t have a way to give you any help. You will have to depend on yourself for everything. Throughout your life, you will meet many good girls, but how many paths can make a shortcut for your life? You don’t even have such a simple judgement, how can I believe that the later days will be better? Look at yourself, before you always knew what to do. Now, you won’t sleep in the middle of the night, thinking about unrealistic things. What use can that small house be for you? Can it give you guys shelter?”
Chen Xiao Zheng was hard to refute, “Mom, you were so good with dad, you should know that some people only appear once in life.”
His mom looked at her own chapped hands, and slowly shook her head, “I haven’t read as many books as you, I also understand simpler concepts than you. Feelings are like taste. It can only be like MSG, you can’t get full from it. If you think I am an evil grandma, endeavoring to separate her son from his happiness, you’re wrong. I do not hate the girl that you brought back. I’ll admit that I am selfish, and am willing to have you by my side forever, but you’ve grown up, this day will come one day. Right, she’s called Zheng Wei, you like her, I understand, at this age, how can you not like those types of girls that are pretty and bold, but you also saw. Her pretty looks, how can she go through hard times? Before your ‘good days’ come, can she continue to accompany you? Even if she is willing to go through hard times with you, will your heart feel good? Poor and lowly misery between a couple. When you taste the bitter head you will understand. You’ve been smart since a young age. You should know, people like us that are born into this family background can only find two types of women that are good for the future. One type is someone from a good family background that will help you make your way through unimpeded, the other is someone who doesn’t have anything of a family background, but she is smart, practical, and can work hard with you, allowing you to not worry about anything. Zheng Wei, that type, isn’t anything. A girl like her, needs people to hold her. A Zheng, you don’t have the qualification now.”
A Zheng’s hands hung beside his body and clenched tightly into fists, “I don’t want to hear these things, mom, don’t force me, why must I choose between you and her?”
The person before him laughed soundlessly again, “I’m old, even with a better life, I can only live for a few more days. Ever since your dad died, my life ended. And your life is your own, even if you are my son, even if I hope you will become exceptional. I don’t have a way to help you live. If you don’t want to listen to me, that’s because you understand everything that I’m saying. You have thought it through before, so you are only afraid of it now. When you were three, I was still hugging you, playing with the neighbor’s child. Others teased you and asked you what you wanted to become when you grew up? But you are my child, I know, from childhood, you’ve always been an ambitious child so you always did everything better than others, and was more exceptional than others. You understand pain so well, you want to succeed, but is it only for me? When you gave up on this decision did your heart never hurt before? Today, you love her, you think that love is the most important thing, but wait until you slip up in reality. One day you will hate her. So, your choice has never been between me and her. You are making your choice between yourself and her.”
It was very late already. When his mom finished saying these things, she was basically exhausted. When she went into her room, her back was hunched like an old woman. Chen Xiao Zheng remembered, when his mom had been young, she had been so pretty and straight. Until now, when people remembered the years before when she and his father had been a couple. People had always said they had been romantic. In time and reality, youth was like beauty, as fragile as dried paper.
She closed her own door, leaving him alone with his father’s portrait. Now there was no one else to force him. He leaned on the chest of drawers and slowly kneeled on the cold concrete floor, looking at his calm and wise father. He was as lost as a child, the thousands of paths in front of him-which one was the one he should take to go to where he had go?
“Dad, tell me, did I do something wrong?”